


such civil war is in my love and hate

by iwritetrash



Series: shakespearean sonnets [4]
Category: Victoria (TV)
Genre: Forgiveness, M/M, Pining, a healthy dose of self loathing, that scene where alfred finds out edward is engaged
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-30
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2019-06-18 20:10:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15493737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwritetrash/pseuds/iwritetrash
Summary: for to thy sensual fault I bring in sense—thy adverse party is thy advocate—and 'gainst myself a lawful plea commence.such civil war is in my love and hate~ sonnet xxxv, william shakespeare





	such civil war is in my love and hate

**Author's Note:**

> im back at it again with the sonnets. i actually wrote this before spellbound but i never got around to posting it because i couldn't decide on a title from the sonnet, and also i think some of it (or maybe all of it) sounds pretty pretentious so... i apologise in advance.

Alfred has always been one to hold a grudge, even as a child, steadfastly refusing the apologies of his older brothers and sisters for weeks after they broke his favourite toy, or wouldn’t let him join their game, or some other such offense he had decided not to forgive. As he grew older, he had learned it was far more courteous to begrudge someone in secret, but he had, of course, remained quick to anger and slow to forgive. 

Unfortunately, a gentleman named Edward Drummond seemed to have some peculiar, cataclysmic effect upon Alfred’s emotions, somehow managing to morph a feeble attempt at a grudge into easy forgiveness. 

When Alfred found out that Edward was engaged, he had truly meant to begrudge him entirely; for what, exactly, Alfred can’t quite pinpoint. It is not as though he has any right to claim Edward’s affections, or to be upset when Edward shows an interest in someone else, simply because they have flirted a little in the past, or at least Alfred had thought they had. Perhaps he had misread the situation.

Edward does not even ask for Alfred’s forgiveness, though he had certainly seemed upset when Alfred had disappeared with little more than a curt congratulation. Instead, Alfred offers his forgiveness entirely independently of any attempt at an apology, for little other reason than the fact that his heart cannot bear to remain angry at Edward.

Rationally, Alfred knows how ridiculous it is for him to forgive Edward in the blink of an eye, because truly he had hurt Alfred rather significantly. Alfred knew he was many things that people may consider sinful but he had never allowed himself to become an adulterer. Edward had threatened to make him just that, and yet Alfred offered his heart on a silver platter without question.

Men are not perfect, he reasons. Men have flaws, just as roses have thorns, and it is only fair to forgive Edward for his mistake, for his lie by omission, for his infidelity. For Alfred cannot deny that he himself is equally flawed; after all, who but a fool would be so quick, and indeed ardent, in their forgiveness?

What a fool he makes of himself, pleading Edward’s case even though he is the plaintiff, making excuses and bartering for his own forgiveness without so much as a word from the accused requesting such action! Were he not aware of his own hamartia – his tendency to give his heart quickly and entirely – he might be more puzzled by his decision, and yet he knows it is simply the curse of his existence. Alas, his flaw has led to heartbreak many times previously, and Edward Drummond is no exception.

Alfred truly thinks this time his love for Edward may be the death of him. 

That familiar feeling of self-loathing curls itself deep in Alfred’s gut, as a constant reminder of the infinitesimal part of him which still sees reason, and sees what this love threatens to do to him. Edward Drummond’s very existence threatens a complete overhaul of Alfred’s entire life – his feelings, his thoughts, his reputation, even his _soul_ , until little remains of the man that came before.

Alfred cannot determine if he feels terrified or excited by the thought.

All that Alfred knows is that he forgives Edward Drummond almost before he walks away from him that day on the steps leading up to the club, and that he hates himself for it.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you liked it! i've got some plans for a couple of other sonnets, and some more spellbound oneshots, so hmu if you have any ideas for either of those!
> 
> also i thrive on comments and feedback, so let me know what you thought! 
> 
> thank you for reading!! <3


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